Hello everyone!!! I assembled these funny sayings. If they are too cruel, I shall remove them. Have fun!!!!!! Eclipse55.
I DO NOT MEAN THIS TO BE OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE!!! I THOUGHT THAT THE PEOPLE OF ZORG COULD USE A LAUGH, THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE SPAM!!!!! Feel free to add to this.




Never get a brain operation by a man who has “Born to Lose" tattooed on his hand.
Never trust a person who has more than one tattoo, reason being is that if someone has one tattoo you can say, “Well he probably thought it was cool and realized it wasn’t, he learned his lesson.” You see a guy with two or three tattoos and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not going to trust his judgment.’ And if he by chance he has four or more tattoos, HE'S STARTING TO ENJOY THE NEEDLES!!
Walk up to someone in the street and go, “Pardon me I have nothing to say!”
Here’s a Great one: Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift. Say, "I saw your sign and I came in for my gift."
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Your mama’s so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for the gumball.
If only everybody was as perfect as I am there would be no problems.
Thirteen is an unlucky number, bullcrap.
Have you ever gotten ice-cream throat? When you eat a lot of ice-cream real fast and your throat gets real cold and you can’t itch it or rub it, so you have to wait for it to go away, and it does, then what do you do? EAT MORE ICE-CREAM!! What are we freaking stupid!!
When someone asks you the time say, “When, now or when you asked me?” Since when you think about it, there is no "present." There is only the near future, and recent past.
You know what pisses me off. These guys who walk around with a tattoo on their arm of barbed wire. A PICTURE! A PAINTING! HA! HA! I say, Hey Jr. come around when you have the real thing and I’ll squeeze that stuff on nice and tight for ya.
You know what I wonder, does a blind person see black or does he see nothing?
You want to know something I really dislike. (Probably not but I’ll tell you anyway.) People who where visors. Let me ask you something, what’s the point in wearing half a hat. Either get a hat or don’t. Nobody's interested in the top of your head. Go back to the store and tell them to give you the rest of the hat, they cheated you. Better yet, get yourself one of those little Jewish hats and sew it to your visor. Then you got yourself a full-fledged hat my friend.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as just suggestions
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Which I reply, "Well, you didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?"
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (Just gotta repeat that one.)
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through Bank Machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks; they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
"Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their freaking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America—you are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!"
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.
If you're so pro-life, do me a favor: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Always do whatever's next.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
The status quo *****.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urging.

Hope you enjoyed it!!!

lmao good but not much of a topic......lol u get jokes or u make them up cause they aint half bad

Moderator, I ask you to please lock the topic. Thank you.